Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

This entry might offend some, but this is where I can vent get out my feelings on certain issues... So click away from this page and enjoy your day, or stay and read.

As many of you know I grew up in the Mormon religion.  I attended all my meetings, early morning seminary (6:00 am before school), girls camp, dances, you name it I went.  Most of the things I went to I wanted to go to, but some things I was told I had to go. What happens when you tell a teen they have to do something. Yup, bad attitude and rebelling!  That was me.  I do not like conforming to what everyone else is doing.  I felt I didn't really know who I was because I was being molded into something I was not happy with.  I continued living a life that I was not happy with because I was told if I had these feelings they were from Satan. So for a very long time(25+yrs) I thought I was a bad person because I questioned a lot. 
I brought my kids up in this religion because it was all I ever knew, and Kurt joined the church as well.  Don't get me wrong, we as a family have a very strong belief in God and the eternal plan.  We say morning prayer and evening prayer, we talk a lot about our moral values, spiritual values, and  values for "our" family. We do these things because we want to not because we have to.  If the kids have issues with a subject we talk about it and give them guidance but do not make them be something they are not, or feel uncomfortable with. 
I guess my heart really turned when Halee was applying to colleges and she made her decision to go to San Diego to school.  So many people in my church gave me that sad look and said, " so, she is not going to BYU?"  Are you kidding me! Halee is a lot like me and would freak out in a school that everyone has to be the same, same look, same thoughts, same judging ways. I had some say that I would be held responsible for her school choice.  Um, the only school she did not get into was BYU.  She got into 4 other great schools.
UNLV, USC, ASU, and SDSU. Halee stopped going to early morning seminary in Goffstown because here were only 3 kids in it, so therefore BYU would not consider her.  Really, how judging is that, BYU needs to know why she stopped going and see what it is like to be a Mormon outside of the "Happy Valley" of Utah. Also a lot of the kids that go to BYU from around here know people that help them get in to BYU... Whatever...
I always felt like I was an outsider because I didn't have the same thoughts and I am raising my family in a different way.  We have given our children a base of the gospel, it is up to them to make there own choices.  Free agency, isn't that what God had planned for us? 
Seeing people of this religion play it off like they have their shit together makes me feel very sorry for them.  I know so many that feel stuck in their relationship because they have been "sealed" to their partner.  Some avoid their families due to the craziness going on inside the wall of their home.  People judge others so ruthlessly because they don't want to look at themselves.
It has been about 6 months since I have been to church, and I am starting to like who I am, and enjoying my family.  I am not stressed out by all the things I am not doing, like food storage, FHE, meeting after meeting, family history.  I would come home from church totally overwhelmed because of all the things that I had to do to be the perfect wife, mother, and example to others.
Mormon hold themselves to a higher standard which might be great for some, but if you really knew, most women feel like this they just wont say anything because they "can't".  So I am saying it for them. 
Someday I might return to being a Mormon, but right now I see a lot of other positive options. 
Like I said I am just venting and take it for what it is worth...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Things I Learned From Being a Bus Driver

When someone says they are a school bus driver what do you think?

  1. They cant find another job
  2. Non-educated
  3. Fat, ugly, dirty, un-kept
  4. Unmotivated
  5. Mean
I am sure the list can go on for a few more, but you get the point. As most of you know I drove a bus for 7 years. Yes, 7... This was not my life's goal, or even a glimmer of a thought when I was going to college. Life happens.
There I was married with 4 kids living on Kurt teaching salary. To say the least we were struggling. We had a friend come over and bail us out a of a situation and mentioned that I should take a serious look at being a bus driver. He said I could bring my kids with me and it would help out the family. To his face I said "ya, sure, great idea..." Before the door even clicked shut I told Kurt, " are you freak'n kidding me! I AM NOT going to drive a bus! Who does this guy think I am?" I was so upset. As some more bills came in I realized I needed to put my pride aside and just bite the bullet.
Off I went to training, I had to study rules, and know parts of the bus that most would not have a clue. The people I met had more heart and understanding then most of my friends that had "it" all. (none of my friends really have it all, some just think they do). I tested with the state and passed. Now I have a CDL license and can drive a bus and a truck.
I would pack up my 4 kids every morning and drive to the bus station unload 2 car seats, 4 kids , and only one would head off to school. Abby would sit next to Sophia to pump her with food and drinks for the ride and Brock would have other kids sit with him and just chat w/ him.
Winter sucked! The buses had to be warmed up so I would have to leave early, go start the bus, jump back into my car with the kids and wait till the ice was a bit melty so I could scrape it all off. What the hell was I thinking taking this crappy ass job. I am going to strangle the guy who said this would be good for our family. Ya, he's a guy, and failed to remember I have 4 kids in tow and 2 car seats that get dragged back and forth from car to bus and back twice a day.
Winters in New England suck... They suck worse if you are a bus driver. Ya, I was in charge of 50+ kids and had to get them to school and home safely. I had a route that was curvy, hilly and down right ruthless! Many times I would pull over after all the kids were off and just cry because of the shear emotion of thinking we could all go over the edge if I made one wrong move.
My first year I didn't have much interaction with the kids, I figure I was "just" their bus driver. I also thought I was only doing this for a year so why bother getting to know these kids. As June rolled around and the year was coming to a close my manager asked if I wanted the same route for next year... "Sure"... What just came out of my mouth? OMG, I am going to do this again? I must be seriously mental. I lost my mind.
Summer came and I realized I missed some of those kids that must of thought I was mute. I knew I had to go back with a different attitude. September started and on marched the little cherubs. I would say "hi", or "good morning" to them and they would just look at me like I was a crazy bus lady. As time went on these kids would talk to me about school, home, issues, they would ask me questions and we as a bus all got to know each other. There were time the whole bus would be singing, or all laughing at something someone said or did. Fridays kids could sit where they wanted to and I would bring a treat to the "rider" of the week. This was someone that helped out with picking up my bus, helping another student or just that real sweet kid.
Each year I would see kids come and go. I grew to love these kids and there families. There were a select few that I wanted to hit the breaks when they were standing, but very few. I see former students in the stores and around town and kids still say hi to me.
So after 7 years, many students, and many great people at Goffstown Truck Center, I realized being a bus driver was the best job for me at that time of my life.
So if your kids have a bus driver take the time to thank them for taking your kids to school safely each day and understand they are people that are doing what they enjoy and don't think or them as the 5 things listed above!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

What is your Calling?

So my day at work was one for the books... I think I dropped the "F" word to Kurt like 5 times in a 1.5 min conversation when he called to check in to see how my day was going. He might be a bit hesitant to call me again at work.
I know I was not put on this earth to be told what to do, get my ear chewed off by upset parents, teachers, and students, or take on the crazy work load that I have to do when I was hired as a mire attendance clerk...
So here I am sitting again at the VA hospital thinking "what is my calling".

Main Entry: call·ing
Function: noun
1 : a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence
2 : the vocation or profession in which one customarily engages

I think a lot about what would I really like to do? Anything? I think I have come to the conclusion I have lost myself a bit in being a wife and a mother. I would never leave my family to go off and ski the world, or go and do something like the Peace Corps. And I am NOT putting my family on the back burner like I see with some people. Either the husband is always gone or the mom is so wrapped up in her own goals that the family suffers. That is not what I am looking to do. I am just wondering what my calling is.

It is hard to put myself first and hard to figure out what I want.

So I am going to keep MY CALLING at the center of my mind. I need to find out who I am as a person, not a label as a mom and wife, but ME...