Choices and the result

As each day goes by I think of the great life I am enjoying. Many choices good and bad have gotten me to this point in life. Here is a list of good and bad that got me to this point.

• Had a dad that was a silent alcoholic and had PTSD
  
• Mom tried protecting us and him so we didn't talk about the issues, and didn't showed much emotion
• Found acceptance in a lot of wrong places
• Tried living up to my brothers level that my mom put him on (couldn't do it)
  
• Left home senior year
• learned about the addiction my dad faced and I was slowly following, and went to treatment in UT while he went in NH
• Went back to UT and realized real life...
• Came home with a baby
• Dissed by my Grandmother(shocker)
  
• Thought I could live the same life style with a baby, not the case, had another baby
• Dissed by friends and some family
  
• Gave up that baby to a family that could provide for him(that is another blog for another day) and then mellowed out
• Continued college in Newton MA
  
• Found Kurt through Halee (and Karen, BFF) at a daycare in Waterville Valley skiing for a week
  
• Realized this is the guy for me, Irish Catholic, partier...
• Married, against my mothers disapproval
• Had 3 more great and healthy kids
• Drove a bus for 8 years (not my life goal)
  
• Had money/spending issues
• Became stronger in our relationship because of it
• Found a job that has been challenging and rewarding at the same time
• Watching my kids grow up and make choices that I have a hard time with but need to let them grow and learn
• Wondering why I still have acne at almost 40
• Off to California next week for a trip for Kurt and I. Leaving the kids behind but know this is a much needed trip to reconnect

I know everything happens for a reason and there is a plan for us all and that the challenges we face just make us stronger and know we can be an example to someone some day.

New Year 2010

Every New Years I make resolutions... Every year I bail on them and myself. What is it going to take? Kurt and I joke about people who are no longer in a relationship start to lose weight and take care of themselves. Do I have to ask Kurt to threaten to leave me? Why don't I put myself first?
Why do I find all these other things to do so I can avoid the gym, or justify a cheat day to take place every other day. I am so tired of being fat! I looked down at my thighs while I was at work today and thought I was looking st someone else. That is not me. Then I poked at my sweater thinking it was all my sweaters and realized it was ME, my gut. OMG are you kidding me? This is ridicules! I can no longer say I feel guilty leaving the kids at home while I go to the gym cause they go more then I do now. I look on the web and in magazines about quick weight loss looking for the miracle cure, there isn't any. I realized that if Oprah has blown up again and she can afford the world and she has not found it it must be true that I have to cut calories and work out:(
How big do I have to be for gastric bypass? I can bulk up and then have the surgery. How much fun would that be just packing it on... Just kidding. If Kurt is reading this he is so scared. LOL

So , I need to pull my head out of my FAT ass and reach some of my goals I have been avoiding.
Biggest Loser is ruthless but if they can lose weight I can too. I know they work out for 6 to 8 hours a day, but I have never seen anyone sweat like that like at Planet Fitness, but maybe I need to step it up and start. If I feel a bead of sweat I panic, I think I might pass out or I stop and head home. Kurt pushes me ( in a loving way) and I have learned I can say no to him and he just keeps dragging me along. I need to step it up and show him and myself I can do this and the pain is a good pain...
So enough is enough and I am on a journey to succeed!

Can you pass the chips?

Lazy vs. Overwhelmed

This is a battle I have with myself a lot. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed it comes across as me being lazy. I have so much stuff going on in my head and through out my day that I just get so tired. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels this way.
The holidays are over and life is getting back on track. School/work are going well. I did just get told that my position at the HS will be just 181 days, instead of the 210. This is OK with me, but that is 2 pay checks that I will no longer be getting. I just wonder who will pick up my work? I don't think people realize what it takes to finalize up the year or what is involved in starting up a new year. I am sure all will be taken care of:)

I guess some days I am lazy, and most days overwhelmed.

Just had to Post Something...

***The flu has hit the Hines household... Kurt is a snotty, fevery, achy mess. The kids have been home as well but not sure how bad they are. We had over 100+ kids out of the school today due to this outbreak. I have been living on my Bath and Body Anti bacterial sanitizer! Love the stuff!

***Fall has turned into winter and back to spring all in one week. Sunday we had SNOW. Last week freezing cold rain, and today was a balmy 64. I hear it will be almost 70 tomorrow. I hope Friday night is mild for the last home game of the season.

***Kurt's team is doing well. They lost by a field goal last week:( I so hope they win the last game! That would be so sweet to win their first and last game... Good vibes!

***Called to re-up my XM Radio... When did people in Kentucky forget to speak English? I called for some info and could believe the accent. When the guy started talking about Wal-Mart I almost died. I thought of the website you all should look at: www.peopleofwalmart.com
Needless to say, I told the guy I would check out the XM website for more info.


***Abby finished field hockey this past week.


Halee broke up with Jon, then realized it was not what she really wanted. SO, they are back together. I think it was a total of 12 hours... Brock has started getting ready for wrestling by working out. Sophia has been figuring out who are her true friends at school and who is going to get kicked to the curb. Girl drama. I told her make friends with the boys they don't care about if she is talking to so-n-so, or what she is wearing.(well for now).

***I am going on call at the VA hospital for a bit. Need to get my head on straight and stop spreading my self to thin... Well I would like to be thin physically:) That's a whole other issue. I think I will stop there for tonight.

Biggest Loser...

I had such a great weekend! I had four days off to kick around. Thursday I took off with Brock and Sohpia to the Cape. Stopped at TACO BELL... I dropped them off in W Barnstable at my aunts home and continued to my BFF house in Chatham. I feel like I am a giddy school girl when we are together! I get totally recharged with her. She also is my sounding board and knows my crazy ways of how I am tough on myself and she snaps me right out of it. We had "bunch" at Larry's...
Off to pick up the kids, when I get there pizza is being served... Then dinner was chicken, rice, and salad. On the way back up to NH we stopped at Mc Donalds to pee, oh and to grab a McFlurry, and Iced coffee.
Saturday morning I head off to proctor SAT's. Must grab a LG iced coffee XX, but with milk. After that I went home to pick up the kids to go to the BHS football game (Kurt is head coach), I stop to grab a bite. LG steak and cheese w extra pickles... Are you seeing a problem yet? Oh just wait...
After the game, we head home and Kurt's parents are up. I am not going to cook cause I have nothing to whip up. I order a LG pizza, 2 Greek salads, 3 lg steak and cheese. After picking up this ardery harding crap, I stop at the grocery store for whoopie pies, ice cream, and a cake. Ya, a cake that should be for someones birthday that you should ask the bakery to write something on it. Nope not me I just get the blank cake with 2" of frosting. My heart is hurting just typing this.

Sunday I am up and out early to head to Acton to meet up with HS friends. Stop at DD to get, yup I am sure you know already... Lg iced coffee XX, but with milk. Does your heart hurt yet.
We all meet up and walk the Acton Famers Market, which is great. Lunch time... I have a quiche. Not bad, but not great. I say goodbye to my friends and head to my parents house. I sit with them and talk, my dad offers me dinner... TC LANDO's. I order a Apollo pizza, it is a white pizza w spinach, shrooms, onions, and some other yumminess. I did split it w my mom, but more freak'n carbs...

Monday morning. I did hit DD's and you all know what I get. I think I was in a food coma. I cant even remember much from Monday. Oh wait, I made turkey meatballs in sauce in the crockpot.

So all of this had made me take a look at my eating and lack of working out. SO, I am changing my ways. I am going to make "ME" a priority. I am going to work out and not feel guilty the kids are at home. They probably like me away a bit longer so I don't ask them to clean up or do homework. I am going to keep a food journal of sorts. I would like to be my goal weight by Feb 2010.

Go ME!!!

Dr. Jekyll or Mrs. Hyde?

So I was diagnosed with adult A.D.D. a few years back... I know SHOCKING, but true. I figured I had lived with it this long and hadn't taken meds all would just keep moving along like it always had. I thought back to my youth and came to the conclusion that the reason I was a bit of a mess in HS and college was because of my A.D.D. Back then society did not label everything like it does now and how if you have this(A.D.D.) you get a free ticket to so much! I read a lot about what to do for A.D.D. and what meds might help. I figured I would try them out. I went to the doctor and she gave me "STRATTERA". She said it would also help with my anxiety and crowd issues. Great! This was going to be a miracle in a bottle! Finally! Down the hatch they went. Oh boy, when was I going to feel like the perfect mom, wife, daughter, friend? One week, one month?

Needless to say, after about a month I wanted to take out my family and lock myself away. I had a hard time just getting through the day. It would take so much for me to be pleasant to people when they would come in to the Main Office. Then the smallest thing at home would set me off. I felt like I was Bi-Polar. My kids and Kurt would just look at me frightened. Kurt said to me "you are NOT the person I married". I was so upset that I freaked out my family and that this was not the super pill I thought it was going to be.
I have stopped taking them and waiting for it to get out of my system, which will take up to three weeks. I will just have to stop and think a bit more, filter my thoughts, and remember to write things down so I don't get totally overwhelmed. Oh, if I am telling you a story, it might take me a bit longer and even longer if there are distractions...

I will be on a quest for a natural way to take care of my "condition", but until then... Hey did you hear about our new kittens, oh and that I love my car, I miss Halee, what time is Kurt's game this week, I am at work till 10:00, do the kids have lunch money? You get what I mean:)

SORRY KURT, ABBY, BROCK, and FIFI FOR MY CRAZINESS, THIS IS MY PUBLIC APOLOGY!!!

Stars were Aligned...

Football starts early in our house, well I am not sure it ever stops, but Aug 13th was the beginning of Kurt's football season. Double session, coaches meetings, weightlifting, scouting Pop Warner, computer work, e mails, and the list goes on. Summer decided to arrive during double session, the 3 H's, hazy, hot , and humid! I would go and watch these young men sweat it out and occasionally lose their lunch.. This is the first year the school has had seniors and were playing with a full squad. So much work and time has been put in to getting things up and running.

Last night was the first game of the 2009/2010 season. All the papers and stats were predicting that the other team would win 46-7. That got Kurt FIRED UP! The last 2 practices he would come home all pumped up about how well the boys were "jelling" and really getting it.

Game night...

I have never seen so many people at a high school football game. Living on the East Coast it is not part of our culture like it is down south. If I were a transplant from the south last night I would of felt right at home! Over 3000 people showed up to our school. Parking was a nightmare but it was all worth it. The feeling in the stands and on the field was electrifying! I usually can't watch the games in the stands because of the comments people say about the coaching decisions. Most people do not make the connection that Kurt and I are married. I figured I needed to just suck it up and sit in the stands. I had so much fun! It was a beautiful fall night, full moon, band playing, cheerleaders doing their thing and the smell of the grill from the concession stand. I arrived a bit later and the score was 7 - 6 just before half, we were in the lead... I have been down this road before and just held my breath.

Play after play we marched it down the field, some mistakes along the way but all in all things were in our favor... Um, is this a dream? We got another TD... What is going on? I was floored. Everyone is watching the players reaction, I am watching Kurt. Now Kurt has this thing with BIG LEAGUE CHEW, I think he put the whole package in his mouth before the game. You can see him chomping on his gum feverishly. His jaw gets a mega work out. I watch him interact with the refs holding my breath when they have made a call that is controversial. It is almost more fun watching him then the game itself. A few times during the game I saw the head set he wears come flying off and then he quickly heads in the refs direction. Kurt being Kurt, just puts his hand on the shoulder of the ref and has a chat... Not sure what is said, but I get a bit nervous.

Time is ticking down, back and forth, it is our ball again. What? Another TD and we make the field goal. Seriously, this could not be written any better for us! The clock is counting down and the crowd is in awe! This was not supposed to happen. Sophia turns to me and says; "I guess that visualization thing dad does really works..."

Final score 20-6!!!

I just sat in the stands as the crowd dispersed. I had happy tears welling up inside. I am not sure many of you know the hard work and time it takes to be a coach, a football coach. I sat there watching the young men celebrate and Kurt talk to the team. The cameras were flashing all around and the press already hit the field. It was about a half hour before I could get to Kurt.
I was so proud of him, his coaching staff, and the boys. What a feeling!

I look forward to many more nights sitting in the stands with the crowds and hope that the stars are aligned with us again.

***Pictures coming soon or go to www.bedfordphotos.com
Click on the sport section.